Wesley's Reflections on Marriage and a Single
Life
Odilon
Massolar Chaves
Copyright © 2026, Odilon Massolar Chaves
All rights reserved to the author.
It is allowed to read, copy and share for free.
Article 184 of the Penal Code and Law 96710 of February 19, 1998.
Books published in the Wesleyan Digital Library: 839
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Address: https://bibliotecawesleyana.blogspot.com
Cover:
https://www.historyextra.com/eperiod/tudor/love-and-marriage-in-tudor-england/
A Wedding
Ceremony, an illustration from 'A Book of Ballads of Roxburghe'. (Private
Collection/Bridgeman Images)
Odilon Massolar Chaves is a
retired Methodist pastor, with a doctorate in Theology and History from the
Methodist University of São Paulo.
Son of Rev. Adherico
Ribeiro Chaves and Roza Massolar Chaves.
He is married to RoseMary.
He has two daughters:
Liliana and Luciana.
His thesis dealt with the
Methodist revival in England in the eighteenth century and its contribution as
a paradigm for our days.
============================
Table
of Contents
· Introduction
· Liberation by escaping from being united to someone
who was not what he seemed
· I hope that neither marriage nor business
will make Neddy less zealous for God
· A marriage offer from a wicked young man she
refused
· Not seeking happiness in marriage
· No one should propose marriage to a woman
until he has the consent of her parents
· Not seeking happiness in marriage
· When I heard about your marriage, I felt pain
· I don't say: God said you should marry that
man
· So I do not see that any reasonable objection
can be made against your marriage
· Thoughts on Marriage are complete on this
point
· Marriage offer from a wicked young man she
refused
· 100 per year was guaranteed to Charles at his
marriage
· After the first marriage
· I married Grace Murray
· A son is not obliged to marry whomever his
father wishes
· I congratulate you for being extremely
cautious about marriage
· Wesley's Letter to His Wife
· If he married a person without the consent of
his parents, he would exclude himself from the Methodist Connection
· God's Revelations on Marriage
· No Methodist (let alone a preacher) should
marry a woman without the consent of her parents
· All our preachers were single men
· Whether she's willing to marry or not, I
can't say
· He is free to marry
· I got married because I needed a home, to
regain my health
· Instructions for Married Persons
· Wouldn't it be the shortest way for her to
marry him?
· All that remains for you is to marry a
pleasant person, with a lot of spirit and judgment, with little or no religion
· Consent to marry
· She was fully determined not to part with her
idol, but to marry him next week
============================
Introduction
"Wesley's Reflections on Marriage and a
Single Life" is a 47-page book based on Wesley's letters.
Wesley wrote Thoughts on Marriage and a
Single Life in 1743.
In the treatise Thoughts on Marriage and a
Single Life, Wesley "strongly
defended the spiritual superiority of the single life (celibacy) to the
exclusive dedication to the work of God. Published years before his own
troubled marriage, the pamphlet reflects a phase of his theology focused on
radical devotion and holiness without secular distractions."[1]
To Howell Harris, on
March 3, 1747, Wesley said, "While I admire those who are 'eunuchs for the
sake of the kingdom of heaven,' I know that 'all men cannot receive this
saying,' and that 'it is better to marry than to burn.'" [2]
Wesley advised not to
seek happiness in marriage. Writing to John Dickins in 1790, he
said: "I married because I needed a home, to recover my health; and I
recovered. But I didn't seek happiness for it, and I didn't find it. We know
that this can be found in the knowledge, enjoyment, and service of God, whether
in a married or single state." [3]
There
was a clear rule laid down by the Conference on marriage. Writing to Rebecca
Ingram on June 28, 1789, Wesley said, "These are the rules of the Great
Minutes of the Conference—that 'no Methodist (let alone a preacher) should
marry a woman without the consent of her parents.'" [4]
Some
chapter titles reveal some of his thoughts:
· Liberation by escaping from being united to someone
who was not what he seemed
· I hope that neither marriage nor business
will make Neddy less zealous for God
· A marriage offer from a wicked young man she
refused
· No one should propose marriage to a woman
until he has the consent of her parents
· Not seeking happiness in marriage
· God's Revelations on Marriage
Thoughts
that reflect a whole seriousness and depth with marriage by the Methodists and
Wesley.
In
this book, we will look at several of Wesley's letters about marriage and
singleness.
The Author
============================
Liberation by
escaping from being united to someone who was not what he seemed
It was not a small
liberation you had by escaping from being united with someone who was not what
you seemed. If he had acted like this after the wedding, it would have almost
broken his heart. See how the Lord cares for you!
To Ann Bolton
LIVERPOOL, April 7,
1768.
Indeed, my dear
sister, the conversation I had with you in London [See letter of January 25,
1770, where he speaks of another visit.] greatly increased my affection for
you, and my desire that you should not be lacking in any blessing which our
Lord has purchased for you with His own blood. Certain that He loves you. And
He has already given you the faith of a servant. You just want the faith of a
child. And it's not near What you feel now That spark that ignites in your
heart and allows you to say:
Lord, I am Yours by
holy bonds,
Your son, your
blood-bought servant!
Look up, my sister,
my friend! Jesus is there! He is always interceding for you! Don't doubt it! Do
not doubt His love! Forget yourself, a poor, vile, useless sinner. But look at
Jesus! Look at the Friend of Sinners! Your friend; your Savior ready and strong!
It was not a small
liberation you had by escaping from being united with someone who was not what
you seemed. [See letter of February 13.] If he had acted like this after the
wedding, it would have almost broken his heart. See how the Lord cares for you!
Surely the hairs on your head are all numbered! If you can continue as is, use
it in fact. If you do it differently, you won't consult me before getting
involved
As for your health, I
would like you to follow the instructions I gave you earlier punctually. But
let me know if you find any new symptoms. Maybe you won't be here for long; but
you cannot, you must not depart from here until your eyes have seen his salvation--
My dear Nancy, farewell.
On Saturday evening I
hope to be in Whitehaven; on Saturday, fifteen days in Glasgow. I won't hear
anything from you anytime soon.[5]
I hope that neither
marriage nor business will make Neddy less zealous for God
I hope that neither marriage nor business will make Neddy [Edward
Bolton, her brother, whose daughter, Mrs. Marriott, delivered the letter to
Miss J. Ayliff at Witney in 1861.] less zealous for God or less active in his
work
To Ann Bolton
DUBLIN, July 8, 1785.
MY DEAR NANCY, - It
is doubtless convenient for you to have a friend whom you can fully trust, who
may be always near you or at a short distance, and ready to be consulted on all
occasions. It was the time when you took your mother to be your friend; and (to
speak freely) I have loved thee without common affection. I 'loved you' – no, I
still do; My heart warms with you as I write. But I'm usually too far away, so
you can't talk to me when you'd like. I am glad, therefore, that a good
Providence has given you someone with whom you can see and correspond more
easily. [Probably Hannah Ball.] You can certainly rely on her in every
situation; and she has understanding, piety, and experience. She may therefore
perform those offices of friendship which I would rejoice to perform if she
were near you. But where you can, give me the pleasure of seeing you. You know,
as long as I have a house, you'll always be welcome in it.
I wish for Brothers'
Day [Simon Day, then at the Oxfordshire Circuit. The Conference opened that day
in London.] to meet me in London on the 16th day of this present. I don't know
how there can be more preaching by itinerant preachers unless there are more
preachers; Which, indeed, could easily be if their well-to-do men did not love
their money more than they love their souls.
I hope that neither
marriage nor business will make Neddy [Edward Bolton, her brother, whose
daughter, Mrs. Marriott, delivered the letter to Miss J. Ayliff at Witney in
1861.] less zealous for God or less active in his work. Peace be with all your
spirits! - I am, my dear Nancy,
Always yours. [6]
A marriage offer from
a wicked young man she refused
If you can be free
from the worries and tangles of another state of life, use it first. [Referring
to an offer of marriage from a wicked young man that she refused.] Surely you
are happier if you do so
To Hannah Ball.
LONDON, November 12,
1768.
MY DEAREST SISTER,--
You can always direct me to London, and the letter will be sent to me wherever
I am. There is a better outlook at Henley today than there was several years
ago; and I trust that you will see more fruit in Wycombe than there has been recently.
Awaken the gift of God that is in you! Gladly take every opportunity to warn
and exhort all, if in any way you can save some! Drop all the weights! Beware
of everything that deadens or numbs your soul! If you can be free from the
worries and tangles of another state of life, use it first. [Referring to an
offer of marriage from a wicked young man that she refused.] Surely you are
happier if you do so. Now you have only one concern: keep yourself in God's
love, in His pure love, growing in Him. Rejoice, pray, thank forever. Draw
close to the one who loves you; and for His sake, my dear sister,
Your affectionate
brother. [7]
Not seeking happiness in
marriage
I married because I needed
a home, to recover my health; and I recovered. But I didn't seek happiness for
it, and I didn't find it. We know that this can be found in the knowledge,
enjoyment, and service of God, whether in a married or single state
For John
Dickins
WHITBY, June 19, 1790.
MY DEAR BROTHER, -- This morning I received
yours of April 9th, with Mr. Asbury's bill attached. I was surprised when Lady
Huntingdon absolutely forbade any preacher in her Connection to marry. All that
can be said about it is, 'If you can be free, use it first.' I married because
I needed a home, to recover my health; and I recovered. But I didn't seek
happiness for it, and I didn't find it. We know that this can be found in the
knowledge, enjoyment, and service of God, whether in a married or single state.
But whenever we deny ourselves and take up the cross for Him, the happier we
will be both here and in eternity. Let us work in the same way, and in His time
He will give us a full reward. -- I am
Your affectionate friend and brother.
To the Rev. John Dickins, Philadelphia. [8]
No one should propose
marriage to a woman until he has the consent of her parents
All I want to say is this:
it is a general rule for us: 'No one should propose marriage to a woman until
he has the consent of her parents
To
Rebecca Ingram
DUBLIN, July 5, 1789.
MY DEAR BECKY, -- You're
fooling me. All I want to say is this: it is a general rule for us: 'No one
should propose marriage to a woman until he has the consent of her parents.' So
you fear where there is no fear. You say, 'Marriage was not proposed [See
previous letter.] to you'; And I believe in you. Therefore, it is your wisdom
to think as little as possible about the things of the past. You have something
better to put your thoughts into practice. The prize and the crown are before
you. Look to Jesus! He is completely adorable; but how little you loved him!
Let all the sources of your happiness be in him. -- My dear Becky,
With great affection. [9]
Not seeking happiness in
marriage
I
married because I needed a home, to recover my health; and I recovered. But I
didn't seek happiness for it, and I didn't find it. We know that this can be
found in the knowledge, enjoyment, and service of God, whether in a married or
single state
For John Dickins
WHITBY, June 19, 1790.
MY DEAR BROTHER, -- This morning I received
yours of April 9th, with Mr. Asbury's bill attached. I was surprised when Lady
Huntingdon absolutely forbade any preacher in her Connection to marry. All that
can be said about it is, 'If you can be free, use it first.' I married because
I needed a home, to recover my health; and I recovered. But I didn't seek
happiness for it, and I didn't find it. We know that this can be found in the
knowledge, enjoyment, and service of God, whether in a married or single state.
But whenever we deny ourselves and take up the cross for Him, the happier we
will be both here and in eternity. Let us work in the same way, and in His time
He will give us a full reward. -- I am
Your affectionate friend and brother.
To the Rev. John Dickins, Philadelphia. [10]
When I heard about your marriage, I felt pain
When I heard about your marriage, I felt
pain. I feared that you had suffered a loss. You feel as much union with God as
ever So close communion with the Father and the Son And it's as constant as
ever
For
Mrs. Cock
LONDON, December 27, 1788.
MY DEAR SISTER, -- I was
glad to receive some of your lines. From the moment I saw you for the first
time, and indeed before I saw you, I could not help but feel a strong affection
for you. And I pray that nothing will diminish our affection for each other
until we find ourselves in a better world.
Your affectionate brother. [11]
I don't say: God said you should marry that
man
Don't put things together that have no real
connection to each other: I mean, your justification or sanctification and your
marriage. God told you that you were sanctified. I don't say, 'God said you
should marry that man.' Don't mix these things up; If this happens, it could
cost you your life
For
Ann Loxdale
LONDON, December 9, 1783.
MY DEAR NANCY, -- Because I
loved you, and because I thought it my duty, I wrote freely to you on a
delicate point. But I did. I don't know if I'll say a word more about it. The
appreciation I have for you will not allow me to cause you pain that does not
respond to any good purpose. So you may still find him as holy as Thomas Walsh;
I will not say anything against it.
Just beware of a devil's
trap. Don't put things together that have no real connection to each other: I
mean, your justification or sanctification and your marriage. God told you that
you were sanctified. I don't say, 'God said you should marry that man.' Don't
mix these things up; If this happens, it could cost you your life. Enjoy the
friendly warning from, my dear Nancy,
With affection. [12]
So I do not see that any
reasonable objection can be made against your marriage
Supposing that Miss Helena
S. Christian Davenport answer the description you gave, and suppose both her
parents and yours are now willing, then I do not see that any reasonable
objection can be made against your marriage
For Thomas Roberts
LONDON, December 22, 1787.
MY DEAR BROTHER, --
Supposing that Miss Helena is the only one who is the Christian Davenport
answer the description you gave, and suppose both her parents and yours are now
willing, then I do not see that any reasonable objection can be made against
your marriage. --I'm... [13]
Thoughts on Marriage are complete on this point
Wherever faith and love occur, make sure that
enthusiasm will follow. The Thoughts on Marriage are complete on this point.
Their publication ended the illusion here
To John Bennet
LONDON, November 17,
1748.
I will make an
affidavit, if Mr. Glanville deems it necessary. He will want Sir John Strange
to help him, and he will move the Court to-morrow, if he has not done so this
morning.
If we omit Mr.
White,[see heading] to the letter of August 26.] he must promise under his hand
not to persecute the Methodists directly or indirectly. I wouldn't leave him
now (nor any of them) free to do it 'according to the law', as they might call
it. Our demand is now greater —namely, that they "abstain totally from
these men and leave them alone." I would express it exactly in these
terms. Just let them print it out and be welcome.
Please mention the
cost to leaders where you are. And the thing requires haste.
I do not believe that
the Episcopal Tribunal has any involvement with such issues. Let our brother
say this in modest and correct terms. If they advance, you must immediately
remove the cause to the King's Bank, which will tear them all to pieces. Let them
send him to prison if they see it well.
Wherever faith and
love occur, make sure that enthusiasm will follow. The Thoughts on Marriage
[See letter of June 25, 1746, section 5n.] are complete on this point. Their
publication ended the illusion here. You can only warn all Societies against
this with great clarity and gentleness. And being in nothing, terrified.
Everything will end well. [14]
Marriage offer from a wicked young man she refused
Beware of everything that deadens or numbs your soul!
If you can be free from the worries and tangles of another state of life, use
it first. [Referring to an offer of marriage from a wicked young man that she
refused.]
For Hannah
Ball
LONDON,
November 12, 1768.
MY DEAREST
SISTER,-- You can always direct me to London, and the letter will be sent to me
wherever I am. There is a better outlook at Henley today than there was several
years ago; and I trust that you will see more fruit in Wycombe than there has
been recently. Awaken the gift of God that is in you! Gladly take every
opportunity to warn and exhort all, if in any way you can save some! Drop all
the weights! Beware of everything that deadens or numbs your soul! If you can
be free from the worries and tangles of another state of life, use it first.
[Referring to an offer of marriage from a wicked young man that she refused.]
Surely you are happier if you do so. Now you have only one concern: keep
yourself in God's love, in His pure love, growing in Him. Rejoice, pray, thank
forever. Draw close to the one who loves you; and for His sake, my dear sister,
Your
affectionate brother. [15]
100 per year was guaranteed to Charles at his marriage
For you, therefore (who have one hundred and fifty
pounds a year to support only two people), [100 a year was guaranteed to
Charles at his marriage. He had no children in 1751.] To assume any part of
this seems to me totally unreasonable. I couldn't, even if it were my case: I
should consider it a robbery—yes, steal the Spittle. [Saliva (or spicital),
hospital for 'poor sick' or for lepers (Brewers Dic. Of Phrases and Fables).]
To your brother Carlos
[LONDON],
December 4, 1751.
At some
points it is easier to write than to speak, especially when there is danger of
heat on both sides.
In what
sense you deem it necessary to break my power and reduce my authority within
due limits, I am quite willing to dispose of everything or any part of it. It
is not a pleasure for me, nor has it ever been.
There is
another sore point that I would only mention. The quarterly contribution of the
classes (something over two hundred per year) serves to maintain the preachers
and cover all household expenses. But for that it was never enough. For you,
therefore (who have one hundred and fifty pounds a year to support only two
people), [100 a year was guaranteed to Charles at his marriage. He had no
children in 1751.] To assume any part of this seems to me totally unreasonable.
I couldn't, even if it were my case: I should consider it a robbery—yes, steal
the Spittle. [Saliva (or spicital), hospital for 'poor sick' or for lepers
(Brewers Dic. Of Phrases and Fables).] I have often wondered how their
conscience or their sense of honor could bear this; Especially as you know, I
am almost constantly in financial difficulty, hoping that I will make up for
the shortcomings of this and all the other funds.
I am
willing (should our judgments differ) refer this or anything else to Mr.
Perronet or Mr. Blackwell. I just want to spend and be spent on the work God
has given me to do. Goodbye. [16]
After the first marriage
To John Trembath
TIVERTON,
September 21, 1755.
The clear
reason why I did not plan to speak to you in Launceston was because I had no
hope of doing you good. I observed long ago that you are not patient with
reproof; and I fear you are less like this now than ever. But since you want
to, I'll tell you once again what I think, real or heard about you.
I think
you proved the power of the word thirteen or fourteen years ago, and then you
were simple of heart and willing to spend and be spent for Christ. But a short
time later, without being alert enough, you suffered a loss when you were
applauded. This revived and increased his natural vanity, which was more
difficult to contain because of his constitutional stubbornness—two mortal
enemies that had been lurking for him for many years and had caused him many
deep, if not fatal, wounds.
I fear
that it has been almost ten years since you were so weakened by these moments
that you no longer covered your mouth, but often began to say something that
was not entirely true, to apologize, to divert others, or to receive applause.
I am afraid that this prevailed more and more upon you, for there was less and
less life of God in the soul; In such a way that I would almost wonder if you
don't judge a distracted lie as something very innocent.
After the
first marriage, not being accustomed to or enjoying reading, and not spending
many hours in private prayer, time became heavy on his hands; especially
because you could not bear the cross of being an ordinary traveling preacher:
then you devoted yourself to agriculture and other rural employments, and
became more and more dead to God; especially when you have begun to keep
company (whether by necessity or choice) with men 'whose talk is,' who have
little to do with religion or reason, and have just enough intelligence to
smoke, drink, and fish you.
For these
unfunny bastards, you were an elusive loser. Perhaps it was in the company of
some of these that you thought of playing a little sport, catching some fish or
killing a partridge or a hare. Miserable job for a preacher of the gospel! for
a Methodist preacher, above all others! Although I don't wonder if, after
practicing it for a while, you should be so passionate as to even defend it. I
am afraid that these same poor creatures afterwards taught him (if this account
be true) even to accept that wickedness by which Cornwall stinks, in the
nostrils of all who fear God or love King George; I mean the smuggling one:
although they certainly couldn't convince you to receive stolen goods! This is
an iniquity to be punished by the Judges. There is some truth in this other
charge (you must not ask who tells me; if so, it was I), which you imposed on
Mrs. H--- in the writings, and fraudulently procured 100 a year to be hired,
instead of eighty dollars, I hope it was a mistake; as well as that statement
that you encouraged drunkenness by suffering it in your company, if not in your
own home.
O remember
where you have fallen! Repent and do the first works! First, regain the life of
God in your own soul and walk as Christ walked. Walk with God as you did twelve
years ago. Then you can be useful again to his children. Supposing you really
were on the flame of God, how profitable then (letting the dead bury their
dead) could you spend three months a year in Bristol or London, three in
Cornwall, and six spreading the gospel where it was needed. Now I have told you
all that is in my heart: I hope you will receive it not only with patience, but
with profit. You must be very clumsy or very out of the way, a good soldier to
God or the devil. Choose the best part! – now! – today! – I am
Your
affectionate brother. [17]
I married Grace
Murray
To John Bennet
LONDON,
January 23, 1750.
Here is
before me a transcript of a letter of yours recently sent to John Haughton in
Ireland. Some of the words are: 'I married Grace Murray on Tuesday, on the
advice of Mr. C. Wesley and G. Whitefield. But when Mr. Wesley came to hear her
and saw us, he was as enraged as if he had been mad, for he himself was
inflamed with love and desire for her.' I first saw you in William Shents. [At
Leeds, October 6, 1749, three days after the wedding, when he kissed him, and
uttered no word of reproach. See letter of November 3, 1749.] Was I then so
furious as if I had gone mad? Or it was when I saw her and you together in Mr.
Towers's office [See Diary, iii. 330.]
How did
you know that I was "inflamed with lust"? Did your wife tell you
that? If you hadn't said it, you wouldn't have stated it so fully. If she did,
she earned me a fair return. If only, after robbing me, he had stabbed me in
the heart, maybe I would have tried to defend myself. But now I can only cover
my face and say: 'You are also among them! My daughter!'[18]
A son is not obliged to
marry whomever his father wishes
Although a father does not
have positive authority, he has a negative one, that is, although a son is not
obliged to marry whomever his father wishes, he should not marry whomever he
forbids, especially a daughter; and when a marriage was contrary to the opinion
and counsel of a religious and prudent parent
To
Samuel Wood
[October,
1790.]
DEAR
BROTHER, -- I have already presented my opinion on this subject in one of the
sermons in the Arminian Magazine, and I say again that although a father has no
positive authority, he has a negative one, that is, although a son is not
obliged to marry whom his father wishes, he should not marry whom he forbids,
especially a daughter; and when a marriage was contrary to the opinion and
counsel of a religious and prudent father, I seldom saw him happy. -- I am
Your
affectionate brother. [19]
I
congratulate you for being extremely cautious about marriage
I congratulate you for being extremely cautious
about marriage. The direction of São Paulo is complete and clear: 'If you can
be free, use it first.' 'Thou art released from a wife, seek not a wife
To
Zachariah Yewdull
WHITEHAVEN,
May 26, 1781.
DEAR
ZACHARY, -- You must always write to me without reservation. I don't see
anything wrong with his behavior. Truth and love may hold firm, and courtesy
will increase insensibly. The godparents promise only that they will 'see to it
that the child is taught, as soon as he can learn, what he should do for the
health of this soul.' And that's sure they can do. You haven't read that little
treatise [Serious Thoughts on Godfathers and Godmothers. See Works, x. 506-9;
Green's Bibliography, nº 157.] Carefully enough, otherwise you wouldn't have
seen it.
Your
affectionate brother. [20]
Wesley's Letter to His Wife
Sometimes I argued with you out loud, sometimes
in a few words. On other occasions, I refused discussions and tried what persuasion
would do. And many times I heard everything you said, and I only responded with
silence. But discussion and persuasion, many words and few, speaking and
silence, were all one. They made no impression. One may well try to convince or
persuade the north wind.
To
your wife
YORK, July 15, 1774.
I think it is necessary to
write one more letter to expose the case between you and me from the beginning
MY DEAR,--1. I think it is
necessary to write one more letter to expose the case between you and me from
the beginning. In fact, I cannot do it exactly as I would, because I have
neither those letters nor those parts of my Diary which give a particular account
of all the circumstances exactly as they occurred. Therefore, I have only my
memory to rely on; And that's not very resistant to evil. Thus, I am likely to
omit an abundance of things that could have caused even more conflict on the
subject. However, I will do the best I can, simply relating the fact to the
best memory and judgment.
Before we were married, I
saw that you were a woman of good lineage, of great education and average
understanding
2. Before we were married,
I saw that you were a woman of good lineage, of great education and average
understanding; At the same time, I believed that you had a mild, sweet, and
balanced temperament. When I talked to you twenty days after the wedding, I was
confirmed in my belief. Full of this, I wrote to you right after our first
farewell, with the openness and simplicity of my heart. And in this belief, I
continued after my return until we went down to Kingswood.
Here, when I entered his
room one morning, I saw a scene that I hardly expected. You were all thunder
and lightning
3. Here, when I entered his
room one morning, I saw a scene that I hardly expected. You were all thunder
and lightning: I looked and heard; said little and retired. You quickly
followed me into the other room, fell to your knees, and asked for my forgiveness.
I wish you would not think about it anymore, saying: It is with me as if it had
never existed. In two or three weeks, you relapsed again and again, and as many
times you assumed your guilt, only with less concern. You first found out that
we were both guilty, and then all the blame was on my side.
And many times I heard
everything you said, and I only responded with silence. But discussion and
persuasion, many words and few, speaking and silence, were all one.
4. We returned to London,
and his natural temperament appeared more and more. To smooth it out as much as
possible, I tried every method I could come up with. Sometimes I argued with
you out loud, sometimes in a few words. On other occasions, I refused
discussions and tried what persuasion would do. And many times I heard
everything you said, and I only responded with silence. But discussion and
persuasion, many words and few, speaking and silence, were all one. They made
no impression. One may well try to convince or persuade the north wind.
But what effect did this
generate? None at all; You interpreted all this as bad nature
5. Realizing that there was
no way to convince you when speaking, I tried what writing would do. And I
wrote very clearly; Still, in the softest way possible, and with all the
softness and tenderness that I mastered. But what effect did this generate? None
at all; You have interpreted all this as bad nature, and you have not been
easily convinced to forgive such a grave affront.
I think his fight with my
brother was around this time, which lasted about seven years
6. I think your quarrel
with my brother was around this time, which lasted about seven years; during
two or three of these cases it was more or less a constant point of contention
between us, until I said to him plainly, 'I dare not sit back and listen to my
brother being against it. Therefore, whenever I start talking about him, I
should get up and leave the room.'
at other times she did not
hesitate to say that 'she wondered if I had not slept with her
7. In the midst of this,
you brought up new subjects of offence because of my acquaintance with Madame
Lefevre, a woman of dove form, full of faith and humble love, harmless as a
small child. I would have rejoiced to converse with her often and to a great
extent; but for his sake I abstained. I hardly talked to her, and visited her
only two or three times in two years. Nevertheless, although he sometimes said
that he considered her a good woman, at other times he did not hesitate to say
that he 'wondered if I had not slept with her.' And after that, it seemed like
you didn't question anything.
8. Sometime after you took
offense at my being so with Mrs. Blackwell, and being 'sure she didn't do me
any good.' But that passed, and you were often in good spirits for a week
together, until October 1757. Sarah Ryan, the Bristol housekeeper, then gave a
point to the fight between my brother and you. Meanwhile, she asked me several
times, 'Sir, shall I sit and listen to Mrs. Wesley speak against you every
hour?' I said, 'Listen to her, if you can do her any good.' A while later, she
came up to me and said, 'Indeed, sir, I can't take it anymore. That would hurt
my own soul.' Immediately you became violently jealous of her and forced me not
to speak or write to her. At the same time, you insisted on the 'freedom to
open and read all the letters addressed to me.' This you have done many times
before: but I still insisted on my own freedom to speak and write to whomever I
thought fit; and to see my own letters first, and let you read only those that
I thought fit.
You walked into my office,
opened my desk, and took a lot of my letters and papers
9. Sunday, February 25,
1758, you came into my office, opened my desk, and took many of my letters and
papers. But when you restored most of them two days later, I said, 'Now, my
dear, let all that has been passed be forgotten; and if any of us find any new
cause of complaint, let us tell Mr. Blackwell, or Jo. Jones, or Tho. Walsh, but
to no other person.' You agreed; and on Monday, March 6, when I took leave of
you to leave for Ireland, I thought we had as tender a farewell as we had
several years ago.
Now I saw that you were determined
to smear me in any way, and I couldn't do it. Still, I worked for peace
10. To confirm this good
understanding, I wrote to you a few days after all that was in my heart. But
from your answer I learned that it had quite the opposite effect: you resented
it deeply; so that for ten or twelve weeks in a row, though I wrote letter
after letter, I did not receive a single line. Meanwhile, you said to Mrs.
Vigor and twenty others: 'Mr. Wesley never writes to me. You should ask about
him about Sarah Ryan; he writes to her every week.' So far from it that I did
not write to her for more than twelve weeks before leaving Ireland. But I
really thought you wouldn't tell a willful lie—at least, not in cold blood;
until the poor, dying T. Walsh asked me in Limerick, 'How did you say goodbye
to Mrs. W. last time?' When I said 'Very affectionately', he replied: 'What a
woman this is! She told me that her parting words were, "I hope I don't
see your evil face anymore." Now I saw that you were determined to smear
me in any way, and I couldn't do it. Even so, I worked for peace; and on my
return to Bristol, so as not to grieve you, I did not talk to Sarah Ryan
(though we were in the same house) twenty minutes in ten days. I went back to
London. Soon after, you became jealous of Sarah Crosby and led me a weary life,
unless I told you all the places I went and all the people I saw there.
I decided to immediately
break the line and show that I would be my own master, and I would go wherever
I wanted, without asking anyone's permission
11. Realizing that you were
still rising in your demands, I decided to immediately break the line and show
that I would be my own master, and go wherever I wanted, without asking
anyone's permission. Accordingly, on Monday, December 18, I set out for Norwich;
The first trip I took since we got married without telling you where I was
going.
O beware, lest God give you
up to the desires of your own heart, and let you follow your own imagination!
[I cannot help adding a few
words: not as a reproof, but as advice. God used many means to restrain his
stubbornness and break the impetuosity of his temper. He bore him an obedient
but sick daughter; He took away one of his children. Another was a grave cross;
as it will probably be the third. He allowed you to be cheated out of a lot of
money; He punished you with a strong pain. And yet He can say, 'How long do you
rise up against Me? 'You are more humble, gentler, more patient, more
reconcilable than you were, I fear the contrary; I am afraid that their natural
temperaments are more exalted than diminished. O beware, lest God give you up
to the desires of your own heart, and let you follow your own imagination!
Only
not while you have a sword in your hand, with which you are constantly
attacking me, although you cannot hurt me.
[Under all these conflicts,
it may be an unspeakable blessing that you have a husband who knows your temper
and puts up with it; who, after having judged you countless times, confided in
you things he did not know, stole from you, betrayed your trust, revealed your
secrets, gave you a thousand treacherous wounds, purposely insulted and
murdered your character, and made it his task,
under the poor pretence of claiming his own character (whereas of what
importance is his character to mankind, if you were just buried, or if you had
never lived, what a loss it would be to the cause of God);--that, I say, after
all these provocations, is still willing to forgive you all; to ignore what has
already passed, as if it had not been, and to welcome it with open arms; Only
not while you have a sword in your hand, with which you are constantly
attacking me, although you cannot hurt me. If, in spite of this, you continue
to attack me, what can I, what all reasonable men can think, but that you are
completely mad or your eye is not single; that you married me only for my
money; that, disappointed, you were almost always out of humor; that this
opened you to a thousand suspicions that, once you awake, they could no longer
sleep
You have hurt me a lot, but
not beyond forgiveness. I still love you
My dear Molly, may time
pass be enough. If you don't (to prevent me from passing this on to bad women)
you have also robbed me of my substance; If you don't accuse me, on purpose so
that when it does, no one will believe it, stop and consider what you do. For
now, the breach can still be repaired; You have hurt me a lot, but not beyond
forgiveness. I still love you, and I'm as clear of all other women as I was the
day I was born. Finally, get to know me, and get to know yourself. Your enemy I
cannot be; But let me be your friend. Don't distrust me anymore; do not
discourage me any more; Don't tease me anymore. No longer fight for dominance,
power, money, or praise. Be content to be a reserved, insignificant person,
known and loved by God and me. No longer try to restrict me from the freedom I
claim by the laws of God and man. Let me be governed by God and my own
conscience. Then I will rule you with gentle mildness and show that I really
love you, just like Christ the Church. [21]
If he married a person without the consent of
his parents, he would exclude himself from the Methodist Connection
Please write strongly on his head, and show
him the sinfulness of such a procedure: reminding him that if he were to marry
a person without the consent of his parents, he would thus exclude himself from
the Methodist Connection.
To
John Bredin
LIVERPOOL, April 10, 1782.
MY DEAR BROTHER, -- I have
a letter from Mrs. Davenport, informing you that Hugh Moore offered marriage to
Kitty Davenport without the consent of her parents. [Evidently, Hugh Moore,
preacher in Londonderry. See the August 4 letter to Bredin.] Please write
strongly on his head, and show him the sinfulness of such a procedure:
reminding him that if he were to marry a person without the consent of his
parents, he would thus exclude himself from the Methodist Connection. May he
remember John Prickard's exemplary behavior on similar occasions. If he really
promises to drop the case altogether, he can come to Coleraine as usual. If he
doesn't want to, he shouldn't go back there. -- I am
Your affectionate friend
and brother. [22]
Within days, you had a counter-revelation that
you should not marry her, but her sister. This last mistake was much worse than
the first. But now you were well above conviction. So, in spite of her poor,
surprised father, her brothers, all your vows and promises, you soon after
abandoned the younger and married the older sister. The other, who honored you
as an angel from heaven and still loved you too much (for you had stolen her
heart from the God of your youth), refused to be comforted.
To Westley Hall
LONDON, December 22,
1747.
DEAR BROTHER,
"I. When you were at Oxford with me fourteen or fifteen years ago, you
were holy and blameless in every kind of conversation. I rejoiced greatly in
the grace of God that was given to you, which was often a blessing to my own
soul. Still, even so, thoughts often arose that were not about God, though at
first they seemed to be. But you were humble and easy to teach, you were easily
convinced, and those imaginings disappeared.
2. More than twelve
years ago you told me that God revealed to you that you should marry my younger
sister. I was very surprised, being sure that you were able to hear our Lord's
dictation (and you witnessed continually) and be a 'eunuch for the sake of the
kingdom of heaven.' But you asserted vehemently that the thing was of God; you
were sure it was His will. God made it clear to you that you should get
married, and that she was the right person. So you asked for and obtained her
consent, and resolved the circumstances related to it.
3. That is why I give
your downfall. Here were several failures in one: (1) you discarded the
precious gift of God; (2) you have wholly inclined to your own understanding,
without consulting me, which was then the guide of your soul, nor the parents
of your intended wife, before you settled the whole matter; and (3) while
following the voice of nature, he said that it was the voice of God.
4. Within days, you
had a counter-revelation that you should not marry her, but her sister. This
last mistake was much worse than the first. But now you were well above
conviction. So, in spite of her poor, surprised father, her brothers, all your
vows and promises, you soon after abandoned the younger and married the older
sister. The other, who honored you as an angel from heaven and still loved you
too much (for you had stolen her heart from the God of your youth), refused to
be comforted. From then on, she went into a prolonged illness, which ended in
her death. And does her blood still cry out to the God of the earth? Surely it
is upon your head (...).[23]
No Methodist (let
alone a preacher) should marry a woman without the consent of her parents
These are the rules
of the Great Minutes of the Conference — that 'no Methodist (let alone a
preacher) should marry a woman without the consent of her parents'
To Rebecca Ingram
DUBLIN, June 28, 1789.
MY DEAR BECKY, -- I will
tell you my thoughts without the slightest reservation. These are the rules of
the Great Minutes of the Conference — that 'no Methodist (let alone a preacher)
should marry a woman without the consent of her parents'; and the same is
insisted upon in one of the sermons in the Arminian Magazine. Therefore, I
cannot commend Mr. Brown for having said something to you on this subject
without your father's consent. [See the April 9 and July 5 letters to her.] But
I extremely approve of his current temperament and behavior. I commend your
resignation to God's will. Stay there! Beware of murmurs; beware of worries;
Beware of the sadness that death generates! I recommend you to the one who can
save you to the fullest; and I am, my dear Becky,
Your... [24]
All our preachers were
single men
Fifty years ago, and for
several years afterward, all our preachers were single men, when, in time, some
of them married. Those with whom they worked maintained both them and their
wives, and there was no fixed allowance for either
To
our Companies in England and Ireland
LONDON, August 2, 1788.
Fifty years ago, and for
several years afterward, all our preachers were single men, when, in time, some
of them married. Those with whom they worked maintained both themselves and
their wives, and there was no fixed allowance for either of them. But more than
thirty years ago it was considered more convenient to fix a declared concession
for both; And this was discovered by the circuits where they were stationed,
until one year some of them complained of poverty. Dr. Coke and I provided what
was missing. The following year the number of wives increased, three or four of
them were provided by the Contingent Fund. This was a bad precedent, for more
and more wives were thrown over this fund, until it was likely to be swallowed
up by it. We can think of no other way of avoiding this, but to consider the
state of our Societies in England and Ireland, and to implore the members of
each circuit to offer us such assistance as they can easily make without
injuring their families.
In these fifty years the
substance of the Methodists increases in proportion to their number. Therefore,
if you are not tight in your own intestines, it will not be a complaint, but
will cheerfully give food and clothing to those who give all their time,
strength, and labor to your service. [25]
Whether she's willing to marry or not, I can't say
You want a middle-aged, experienced, sensible, and deep woman. One of those in all respects is Molly Penington; but whether she is willing to marry or not, I cannot say. If it is, I hardly know your companion in the kingdom. If I meet any, I'll let you know.
For Thomas Mason
CASTLEBAR,
May 30, 1771.
DEAR TOMMY,-- A conversation I had yesterday
with Brother Proctor determined me to write immediately. The person in Birr is
no good: not only because he is very young, little more than a child; but as
she has little or no Christian experience. You want a middle-aged, experienced,
sensible, and deep woman. One of those in all respects is Molly Penington; but
whether she is willing to marry or not, I cannot say. If it is, I hardly know
your companion in the kingdom. If I meet any, I'll let you know.
I hope you will speak to Jonathan How in all
freedom and tell him whatever you find wrong with him, especially encouraging
him to press all believers forward to perfection, and to expect it now! Peace
with all your spirits-- I am, dear Tommy,
Your affectionate brother. [26]
He is free to marry
I also don't know how to
advise Nancy Greenwood; Though I think he's free to marry
To Philothea Briggs
LONDON, November 3, 1771.
DEAR PHILLY,-- I am always very happy to see
and hear you. I answer you, more or less completely, as I have time. I also
don't know how to advise Nancy Greenwood; although I think he's free to marry.
Rollin was a pious man and an excellent
historian. If you read a volume, you would feel whether it enlivened or drowned
your soul. The same challenge you can do in serious poetry. Most likely this
would cheer up his soul; and certainly the volumes of Philosophy may, as Galen
titles his description of the human body, 'A Hymn to the Creator.' Temporary
matters need not interrupt your fellowship with God, although they vary in the
way they happen.
It is true that every promise has a
condition; But this does not make the promise have no effect, but rather by the
promise you are encouraged and enabled to fulfill the condition. You might like
it more if there was no condition; but this would not respond to the plan of
the One who does it. It is certain that there are times of nearer access to
God, and that he almost cares for us to improve these precious stations. But we
can find plausible objections against this, and indeed against anything. The freer
you are with me, the more you answer, my dear Philadelphia,
With affection. [27]
I got married because I needed a home, to regain my health
For John Dickins
WHITBY, June 19, 1790.
MY DEAR BROTHER, -- This morning I received
yours of April 9th, with Mr. Asbury's bill attached. I was surprised when Lady
Huntingdon absolutely forbade any preacher in her Connection to marry. All that
can be said about it is, 'If you can be free, use it first.' I married because
I needed a home, to recover my health; and I recovered. But I didn't seek
happiness for it, and I didn't find it. We know that this can be found in the
knowledge, enjoyment, and service of God, whether in a married or single state.
But whenever we deny ourselves and take up the cross for Him, the happier we
will be both here and in eternity. Let us work in the same way, and in His time
He will give us a full reward. -- I am
Your affectionate friend and brother. [28]
Instructions for Married Persons
It may be helpful for Mr. Christian and you
to carefully read and consider those Instructions for Married Persons which are
in the fourth volume of Sermons
To
Ellen Gretton
DEPTFORD, February 16,
1783.
MY DEAR SISTER, -- If you
enter a new state, the first steps you take will be of the utmost importance.
Don't leave anything for the next day, but start exactly how you expect to
continue. It may be helpful for Mr. Christian and you to read carefully and
consider those Instructions for Married Persons which are in the fourth volume
of Sermons. [Miss Helena S. Gretton was about to marry William Christian. See
the letters of December 31, 1782 and April 25, 1783 addressed to her. For
William Whateley's Instructions for Married Persons, which appears in the
Christian Library, vol. xxiv, and in abbreviated form in the Sermons, see
Green's Bibliography, no. 163.] Any family that follows these directions will
be like a city situated on a hill.
I'm glad to know that
regular preaching has already begun in Skillington: we have no time to waste.
If some are aroused there, I doubt that the work will increase, and perhaps you
will have a larger sphere of action than you have ever had hitherto. In the
meantime, be faithful to what is little! -- I am, my dear sister,
Your affectionate brother. [29]
Wouldn't it be the shortest way for her to
marry him?
She then moved to Hoxton Square and married Peard Dickinson on 30 April 1788. Wouldn't it be the shortest way for her to marry him? But I doubt he will be left behind.
To your brother Charles
DUBLIN, June 19, 1785.
DEAR BROTHER,—I came here
(as I proposed when I left) yesterday. This week I'm going to get to know the
classes. Next week we will have our little Conference. The following week, I
hope to cross the Channel. The work of God, almost in every part of the kingdom,
is in a prosperous state. Here is a group of excellent young preachers. Nine
out of ten of them are very devoted to God. I think that, number by number,
they outnumber their fellow-workers in England. Those in Dublin, in particular,
are fiery, bright lights. [James Rogers and Andrew Blair. See the letters of
February 1 and June 26 (to Elizabeth Ritchie).]
I'm glad you paid them one
more visit in Shoreham. What the poor will do now, I do not know; but the Great
Shepherd knows, and will ordain all right. But what happened to Betsy Briggs
[Miss Briggs stayed in Shoreham for a while, where she was very useful. She
then moved to Hoxton Square and married Peard Dickinson on 30 April 1788. See
letter of September 24, 1786; also letters of March, 1771 and June 2, 1785.]
Wouldn't it be the shortest way for her to marry him? But I doubt he will be
left behind.
Rome's letter is curious
enough. Beautiful words! And you know Italians are famous for sincerity.
I would really regret it if
Sammy Tooth [See letter of September 27, 1778.] had been a sufferer; But he
certainly knows about his life. Many here know you and love you well.
My love to all. Goodbye! [30]
All that remains for
you is to marry a pleasant person, with a lot of spirit and judgment, with
little or no religion
For who will not admire and
applaud his admirable taste! All that remains for you is to marry a pleasant
person, with a lot of spirit and judgment, with little or no religion; Then
you're done! Either you will be completely miserable in this world or miserable
for eternity.
For Miss Helena. Johnson
COLCHESTER, March 20, 1759.
My wife, Miss Helena S. --,, surprised me last
night by informing me that you are the mistress of a great fortune. I can say,
pleasantly surprised me! I can't say; Because I believe that there is another
world, and I don't know what influence this change can have on your condition.
So I'm afraid and hopeful. You can be much happier now or much more miserable
in eternity! Ah, stand up! Consider the situation you're in; Perhaps never
before have you been in so much danger. You know a little of their natural temperaments:
now you have the means of indulging and thus inflaming them to the utmost. And
how many will incite you to do so! How many will dare to warn you against this!
Now, what food are you going to have to be proud of! What endless temptations
to think louder than you ought! You've already done it. But oh, where will you
end up! Good Lord stop the mid-career storm! How impetuously now, unless God
intervenes, self-will must turn them onward! How deeply, unless He helps, you
will soon be immersed in practical atheism! for ten thousand things will agree
to cast God out of their thoughts, as much as if He were not in the world. But
most of all, how are you going to escape being swallowed up by idolatry! Love
for the world, like you've never known before!
So far you have been far superior to every
delicacy in food; But even this may attack you now, and perhaps awaken in you
other desires to which you are now strange. At the moment, you are above the
craziness of dress; But it will be like this in twelve months! May you not
easily fall into the pride of life, both in this and other cases! Especially
considering how your vanity will be gratified by it! For who will not admire
and applaud his admirable taste! All that remains for you is to marry a
pleasant person, with a lot of spirit and judgment, with little or no religion;
Then you're done! Either you will be completely miserable in this world or
miserable for eternity. 'But what does that matter to you! You can't leave me
alone! What do I have to do with you!' Believe me, I could very easily leave
you alone, if I didn't have a real and tender goodwill towards you, and if I
didn't know (which you may not know) that you need even me. You want friends
who understand you well and who dare to tell you the whole truth; and yet not
grumpily and imperiously, for then you could not receive it. I tried to do that
one more time. You won't forgive me! I can't help but think that if you don't
say thank you, you'll at least excuse your affectionate servant. [31]
Consent to marry
No Methodist (let alone a
preacher) should marry a woman without the consent of her parents
To Rebecca Ingram
DUBLIN, June 28, 1789.
MY DEAR BECKY, -- I will
tell you my thoughts without the slightest reservation. These are the rules of
the Great Minutes of the Conference — that 'no Methodist (let alone a preacher)
should marry a woman without the consent of her parents'; and the same is
insisted upon in one of the sermons in the Arminian Magazine. Therefore, I
cannot commend Mr. Brown for having said something to you on this subject
without your father's consent. [See the April 9 and July 5 letters to her.] But
I extremely approve of his current temperament and behavior. I commend your
resignation to God's will. Stay there! Beware of murmurs; beware of worries;
Beware of the sadness that death generates! I recommend you to the one who can
save you to the fullest; and I am, my dear Becky,
Your... [32]
She was fully determined not to part with her idol,
but to marry him next week
Discussions
didn't work out with 'Rob. Heywood's daughter. She was fully determined not to
part with her idol, but to marry him next week. But after five minutes of
prayer, her heart changed and she decided not to see him anymore.' Who is a God
as great as our God?
To Robert Carr Brackenbury
On Sunday,
July 8, Wesley preached at Mr. Dodwell's church in Welby.
Dear Sir,
— I am glad to have visited on Saturday morning at Raithby, and to have had
some time alone with Mrs. B. I was pleasantly surprised at her sweetness of
temper, and at the open and artless account she gave of her experience,
especially as it will enable me to say more to many friends than I could
otherwise say.
I never
felt so much love for her before, nor so strong a hope, that you would
strengthen each other's hands in God, and if there is still a little while to
make her a standard to all around her, this also God will provide in due time.
What proof we had the other day that He hears prayer.
To Your
care I entrust Mrs. B. and you, and I am, dear sir.
His brother and affectionate servant. [33]
[1] Overview of Google's AI Mode
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[12]
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[13]
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